Pressure.

It's all on you. It's all your fault.  It's your life to make or break.  Your time to shine, your time to crash and burn.  There is a sense of potential but an unbearable rushing sound and feeling of an immense weight on your chest and mind prevent that potential from being pure and gold.  If this semester doesn't go as planned, it will be your fault and yours alone.  Is this true?  Yes, you know technically it is, but you feel like there are always other things to take into consideration, as well.  This sounds a little like an excuse but it feels honest so, whatever at you, neasayer.  It is better to walk around with that letter grade floating around in your head than to wander around with a question mark.  Only time will tell if you can pull it off, and only you will be blamed if it doesn't.  What will you do if this bears not the fruit you sowed?  Reap it anyway, I suppose.  Embrace the life you've gone and made.  Move to Walden Pond?  I heard it's directly next to a landfill, these days.  Nothing lasts, I tell you.  Sometimes all this effort feels forced and silly.  Sometimes it feels impossible to get by in life without the product this effort all goes towards.  Sometimes you wonder about it all.  Sometimes you haven't got the time to wonder; sometimes all you can do is do.  I don't enjoy not being able to consider what it is I am doing but I go on about my business anyway because without producing some sort of valued contribution to  the "discussion" I will fail, and not just in compositional terms.  I could have been a gypsy, nomad, vagabond...I see Youtube videos of dirty looking semi-famous indie stars who travel around in make-shift tour busses with make-shift studios, close friends and heart-felt strangers...they are living the life of my dreams and all because they chased a personal passion of theirs to the fullest extent.  Should I have stepped into the academic world without first looking at the world itself as it could have been presented to me in it's entirety?  I doubt I would have been successful in that realm and if I had, without certain connections, money, skill, it would have been a miracle; but one i would have worked very very hard for.  I guess the same is true here, but with less glamour and more argyle.  Just food for thought, musings really.  Thanks for listening.

Housing and jobs.

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time on craigslist looking up the general market for jobs in the area and housing.  It wasn't really that long, but it was longer than I wanted it to be because absolutely nothing came from that action but a feeling of despair.  I even went as far as looking in San Marcos and Austin just to see what those markets looked like: all things I can't do or can't afford.  The housing was more for fun, I see myself doomed to cramped and awkward living arrangements on-campus for the rest of my natural life (which I highly doubt will extend further than the next year at this rate).  A job I really need, and have the ability to hold and acquire blah blah, but what irritated me most was the attitutde towards these jobs.  The employers were offering sub-standard jobs, jobs obviously people don't really want or else they wouldn't have to resort to craigslist.  So, they're offering these jobs and they have all of these requirements or qualifications; it seems even if you want to clean toilets today, you're gonna need at least four years of higher level education (which means four years of debt for most of us)- to clean toilets!!  It's heart-wrenching to see someone so determined to survive and sorry for past mistakes that can't realistically be corrected now, trying to get a job and be fired because, "you're not learning fast enough."  Which could be anything, really.  You could have fired me because I don't fit in with the likes of you.  But, your lack of education, and apparent lack of knowledge allowed me an easy alternative to a reason for getting rid of you.  I'm here at school to make sure no one can tell me this, but while I've been here, I've found that I'm not exactly succeeding at a rate neccesary to overcome all of those odds thrown in my face on a daily basis.  Who am I kidding? I barely am doing enough to technically be considered in school.  And now that I see how adament employers are about education, I see I have no hope of being any kind of "successful" person without it.  I want a house, a home to share with my loved ones.  According to Craigslist, I can't even afford rent if i have a minimum, or even slightly above minimum, wage job. 
So what is a girl LIKE ME to do?
How do I overcome this?
If anyone says 'That's Life' or 'Just get used to it, Just do it' I'll pull my hair out.  All of it.

Harry Benson and his good qualities.

The Seguin areas photography lovers gathered on the fifth of October in Jackson Auditorium to hear famed photojournalist Harry Benson speak of his craft.  Immediately I noticed that the man standing in front of me was significantly older than the picture on the flyer to encourage me to attend; seems men care how old they look too.  The flattering and sickening introduction Mr. Benson recieved from his grateful sister-in-law was heart-felt, I just didn't have the heart for it. 
Once the artist himself took the stage I found my heart stirring a bit more; his scottish charm and accent were virtually irresistable.  Listening to him discuss his most famous photographs, I realized many of his quirky idiosyncracies and thought-processes were probably at least partly resposnible for his relative fame.  Prime example: he was sliding up and down on a hand-rail made slippery from rain trying to get a shot of JFK, which he did get complete with the prez looking dead at him due to his trying-to get-the-shot antics.  This kind of picture might not have had such a good presentation had it not been for the eye-catching non-tradional manner in which it was taken. 
Benson's non-traditional manner aided him not just in that one picture but in his entire career. 
The photo that launched this career and brought him to America was another, non-traditional shot: one of The Beatles commencing to pillow-fight upon hearing their single "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" had topped the charts and landed them a gig in the States.  Had it not been for his intuitive sense of capture that compelled him to be "at the right place at the right time" AND get a picture of it, he might not ever had attained the status he has today as a contributer to the world of photography. 
Benson repeatedly used the line and reason for his success of "being at the right place at the right time" but I found that to be deceptive.  I felt that it was more than just the serrendipitous act of being present for something really amazing, because anyone can be around and point-and-shoot willy-nilly; it takes someone aware or what looks or translates well, what is captivating, the process of captivation...etc.  Benson was aware of these and many other qualities wheter he knew it or not (which I find hilarious; he knew it, even if he didn't know that he knew it).  I could have been in that room at the same time with The Beatles and if say, my lens simply wasn't off of my camera in time, I could have easily missed that shot. 
So maybe, intuition, good-timing and preparedness. 
Maybe that's what it all comes down to.
Analyzing someone elses success and good-standing causes me to bring my own potential status into question.  Do I have the attributes that will help me to become a ravaging success?  Do I have the characteristics to enable me to fail?  Which set of traits is stronger?
Does any of that even matter?
Is it more about what I want or what I am given?
I didn't think a silly old Scottish man would give me so much food for thought. 

How to deal with anger and frustration (or not).

College life is not known for it's moments of pristine happiness and a profound sense of peace.  College itself has had little to offer me in the way of a sense of relief, rather the classes and all of their subsequent responsibilities have given me an unsettling feeling of constant and paranoid anxiety.  Also, due to my lack of success at the collegiate, or any other level I am experiencing oceans of insecurity.  its true , this momentary self doubt is damaging to my beautiful friday afternoon. but! nothing that some possitive thinking and a bike ride cant help. i realize that in my refelection i can only hold blame with myself. to change my effects i must change my actions. thus having a work ethic and disaplin that meets the standards of  full time hard working student. this goal is achievable ...it reallly is. i know this . but its hard for me to convince myself of this when such negative patterns come in play of constint failed attempts at mediocre work and lackidasical quality for authority get in my way.and result in this self pitty and lack of worth.How do you pick yourself up, if evrytime you do you just fall again? is this a question of my strength as a character, or am i just a 19 year old student trying to learn time managment for the first time and not yet really having a clue how to do it right. the deeper i go in this self reflection, the more i realize how in order to make things successful i have to kick my own butt. "put my big girl panties on" as my mom would say and gut up. no once holding my hand to stop me from falling. and im gunna keep falling if i dont help myself. that said. How do i help myself?... well im still working on that. its hard to want to help yourself when you dont value your worth. but i know its possible and i know its friday, and i know the things in my life that make me happy , and i know the things in my life that will make me succesful... so i know that im getting up after i fall.